Life is...

Never thought I would blog anymore, bu well, since I'm here, I'll just try and say something then...

Ok, Work : It suxs. I'm like in the ward for coming to 2 months only, and I already wrapped 2 bodies. I dunno if I should consider it Good-For learning purposes? Or Bad- Coz my pt die. The 2nd death...Wasn't like the 1st one. Her vitals started falling ard 3plus. Called the doctor so many times, he finally came at 4plus coming to 5 -_-. Dr said latest till tml morning. Hooked her up to the defib monitor to monitor the rhythm. She was no longer breathing ard 6plus, but the heart was still beating at a rate of 28-24 bpm.

Relatives started coming one by one. I thought I could like check in once awhile to see if she's flat. But NO...Another SN said we need the actual time. So guess who had to stand behind the curtain, beside the defib monitor...ME?!? People were crying so terribly, I felt so extra. Plainly looking at the monitor made me feel so rude. But when I look at the relatives, I felt like crying. Coz everyone was crying, I was controlling. Thinking of every possible happy thoughts I could think about to stop myself from crying.

She had CA. Standing there, looking at her, reminded me of my grandmother. Standing inside there, I thought I'll never smile again, and I thought to myself, "why on earth did I choose this." Seriously, I've been thinking about this question for so long. And the answer is, I haven't figured it out yet. Inside there, waiting.. I realize that the worse part for the family is not when the person die, it's when the person is dying. The part where she's no longer breathing but the heart is still beating. True, the moment the line goes flat, they'll cry louder, coz it has become a truth, a fact. But after that, the crying will stop, and a buzz of activity will start. Coffin, photo for the deceased etc, and it will go all the way till creamation, where the crying will start again.

I feel so tired... real tired... I just want a break. The temptation to trade my SN uniform in for a EN uniform is so strong. I just want to fall into a deep sleep and never wake up... For now, life is so meaningless, so boring, so sickening. Can I just fall into a deep sleep and never wake up? Anyway, I doubt there will be any huge consequences for that action, I won't be missed anyway.