Life...

I haven't posted for quite some time. But during this past some time, some things just happened which makes me take a step back and review about life again. During this past some time, I lost my grandma (maternal side). I remember that very faithful day, where I was in school with the usual gang. We were laughing, joking, fooling around at mac. When we were about to leave, I realised that my mum left me 20 missed calls. I was about to call back when my mum call again. She was practically screaming through the phone...My grandma was going to die. My grandma was diagnosed around jan- early feb that she had colon cancer. And it was at the last stage when we found out. I rushed all the way down but of course, she didn't go that day.

I remember coming home, my handphone flooded with messages from ppl like jian hao, yung hwui, charmaine etc, sending me condolences and encouragment. But the one most important friend didn't send me any. Thinking that she don't know, it was only right of me to call her. It was pretty late, I was really down, and back then, the only one I can think of who will understand my situation and lend a listening ear, was sarah. I will never forget the day, I called her 1st handphone more than 5 times, 2nd handphone 5 times. It was pretty late, and I thought she was asleep. I decided to try 1 last time. And it got through. However, she wasn't asleep. She was happily at her friends hse, drinking vodka till she was dead drunk. Apparently whatever I want to tell her, whatever emotions I have inside was replaced with disappointment. She couldn't hear from my voice I needed her desperately... that I needed to cry. She didn't. She was too busy telling me she was drunk, and in turn, I got to tell her to take care of herself etc.

When I hung up, I called another friend of mine. I called Yung hwui. I just cried out to her. But she was there. I told her how disappointed I was, how upset I was. I never expect anything back from sarah for how much I been there for her when she was at her most terrible period. Though at that time, there was nothing I could do, I kept reminding her I was there. But I thought that at least, now, it was my turn, maybe she can give me at least some encouragment. I was disappointed, I really was. Well, I did tell her in the end, but, I no longer expect anything from her. I don't blame her, she was dead drunk. But, I know I can no longer really count on her now.

I, Amanda Wong, seldom cry in front of people. I hardly need people to comfort me. Even after knowing that my grandma was going to die, I can control my tears till I was safe in my own space. But, in life, there will come a time, when u need someone to hear you. When u need someone to hear u just wail it out. Even through the phone.

My grandma is almost gone for 1 month now. I wasn't really close to her. But most of the times, when someone mention things like hospital, my mind will do this rewinding back to the very 1st day we found out till the whole thing was over. In less than 1/2 a year, I lost my grandma. So many "If" just keep running through my mind. If she went to the doctor earlier, will she still be here? If she had chemotherapy, will she still be here? So many "If"

And now, My other grandma...God, please bless her. She's the one I'm really close to. I don't think I can stand the sight of another person leaving me again. 2 in 1 year is too much. I want her to see me get married, and carry her great grandchild. please bless her. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.....