What a week...
My real work only started on Wednesday. Monday was orientation in the Main TTSh building, and on Tues, it was orientation in AMK Rehab. A brand new setting, a brand new environment, a brand new working culture, everything is just so new. I kept thinking to myself, "Why was I posted to Rehab this time? Why can't I just be in the main block. Not that I really like it there, but in a way, I have gotten used to the environment, the way of working over there."
Just feel so lost... I still have to think where is the linen etc. Always heading off to the wrong direction when I need to take things. A whole new set of therapies that I have never seen in the main block...Who ever told u that rehab is easy and slow-paced? True, I admit that it is a much slower paced compared to the main block, and the environment there is just so...peaceful. The colours and space that we have in the ward just make me feel less stress as compared to the main block where everthing is so cramped up. But if u look in another way, I have 6 Nursing officers in the ward...Can u believe it...6?!!!! 6 pairs of eyes looking at you. If u add in the SSN who is placed in charge of us, it's 7 pairs of eyes watching your every move.
We were told to start off this week doing AN job. Was off to a jerky start on Wed. I expected it anyway. NGT feeding was abit hesitant, placement of diaper was off and plus that new environment, I was thinking "God, just kill me..."
Thurs was better. But on friday, that's where the whole action was. SSN wanted to see me do NGT feeding. And before I even started feeding, I spilled the meds that I was supposed to feed the pt. How clumsy could I be?? But I was really nervous, but she didn't really scold me. Think she knew I was nervous. But I know that I Know how to do it and I know that I can do it. Just needed to get used to her presence. So things went quite smoothly after that. ( She tested me again after my break, and I pulled it off. Was kinda happy, but I knew that I could do it, was just nervous)
And just when I thought things couldn't get worse...WRONG. Sister Phua had to come...She came all the way from Main block down to Rehab to see us, and she HAD to step in to watch me. Needless to say, I was asked a thousand and one question while feeding. Not only do I have to listen to her question and think of an answer, I have to make sure I was feeding the correct amount. Ok, fine, after that I thought I would be left alone. WRONG. She just needed a case presentation. My 3rd day there...when 1 whole cubicle of my patients have just been relocated somewhere else and I had new patients just the day before.
And all the stress she gave, OMG man, just felt like crying and quit right there on the spot. In a way she was teaching us about some things we needed to pick up as a Rehab nurse, it's the perfect place for perfectionists like charmaine. Everything just had to be perfect. All the stress she gave, made me question. Mainly questioning myself and my ability to perform. I wonder if I should be a 3rd year, I wonder if I can make it through, I wonder if I should even have joined nursing in the first place.
In a way, it wasn't entirely Sister Phua fault. Ever since after the incident, a part of me have always been questioning my ability to perform...a part of me have always held back, reluctant to go to work etc. It wasn't directly my fault, but I had a part in it, and I paid a high cost. I always thought it didn't affect me, but I realised on friday that it affected me more than I have ever imagine. I was in a daze, had very low morale. But deep down, I just know. It's unlike me to give up without a fight. I need to know how much I can do. I want to see what I'm capable of doing. I need to know how well I can perform. And I know that with God's grace, I will soar in whatever I do. But I also learnt in nursing...'With great power, comes great responsibilities'. I'm not trying to be spiderman here, but it's true. You never know how much power a nurse holds...everything we do to the patient can affect the outcome. Sometimes, even causing death.
I know I said that if I fail this PRCP, I will quit on the spot. But I will not give up without even trying to salvage the situation. To fail without doing anything is one thing. To try and fail is another thing. It's better to have tried and fail then never trying at all. Afterall, I am still a nurse now, and me, being me, I just need to know my limit, my strengths and my weakness...I just need to know before I fall.
"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going" And that is what I'm going to do. And of course most importantly, let everything be according to God's will.
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