You know what I used to think...
(1) She did me wrong, she disappointed me first. She ought to "make up" for what she has done, and here she is, treating me like I am invisible, treating the whole thing like it was my fault, my mistake.
(2) God isn't interested in tiny affairs like this.
(3) How can anyone be so thick-skinned and just put everything saying God will do this, God will do that etc.
What I think now...
She don't need to make up for what she has done. Though it wasn't necessary for me to make the 1st step and say let's start all over again, I did. I showed my path, and if she wants to know where I'm headed, she knows. Secondly, God is interested. Thirdly, Coz, he is God. It isn't about "thick-ness" of skin, it's about believeing he is there for you.
Feelings now...
Still disappointed. But starting to let it go. Coz sometimes in life, disappointment will happen. I haven't been the best of friends to her. Now that we are like this, I blame no one too. But sometimes when flashbacks happen, the feelings come back. Working hard to get rid of it to turn it neutral.
We all know that it is impossible to be what we used to be but anyway, I am tired of having to type here everyday because of the same person. She took up enough of my time, killed enough of my brain cells, and hurt me enough.
Recently I stumbled upon a few very nice sentences. I fell in love with it instantly:
(1) Do your best and God will bless- Found it from chicken soup for the nurses soul. The story is like one of the miracles jesus performed. Remember he fed a thousand ppl with those few loafes of bread and fish, well the story is about that miracle. Apparently they are in that country to help ppl but their medical supplies got confiscated. Left them with very minimal supply. But they prayed and that minimal supply actually lasted the whole day when they thought it will only last a few hrs. How lovely is that right? There is 1 more miracle that was performed but if you want to know, buy the book and read. I am not spoiling the fun =p
(2) Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible- Don't you just love this sentence...well, I do. No story behind this, not that I know of. Coz I saw it on yue ning msn msg there and I know I just have to add it in. Maybe my relationship, which I deemed impossible to be like before, may actually have a chance to go back??? I don't know. Let's all just sit back and let my dearest daddy God work his wonders...
okay, the end, you can leave now. I need go play maple liao... (dunno character die liao mah =x)
Monday, August 28, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
Theories of life...
Since the beginning of the year, my life has been revolving around hospital. What is it between me and hospital? I really wonder...
Hope my dearest Ah ma will get on well after her op. =)
Was chit-chatting with a few of my aunties and while chatting, I remembered about what I told yung hwui. Life is fair. People always said that life isn't fair, why is it that he got that and I don't have it. Well, have u ever thought about what you have that he don't? Sometimes in life, we got to lose some things to gain some things. Some times, you got to experience somethings to gain some knowledge. Was telling my aunt today, the lesson I learnt from the earlier funeral. I learnt how I used to take things for granted...How I never once really looked at my grandma until she was on her deathbed. How I saw the ugly faces of people who I thought I knew. How I lose a friend but gained one more that is so much better and how fragile life can be.
Sometimes in life, u just never know who are the people who treats you with honesty, who really mean what they said. This time round,my Ah ma is in hospital. I really saw who was really there. I know who is the one who really cares for me. Who message me daily though she don't have to. Was talking to my aunt about some problems that I have. And what she said was true. In life, you can have many friends. But when bad times come, the true ones that stick by your side are the ones you can count on for the rest of your life. Though I'm not really very sociable, I do have some friends. Friends who call me best friend etc. But honestly, I never once believed. They do sound nice, but where the **** are you when I need you? I've got friends, but whether they got me as a friend is a question. True, when time comes, I'll try my best and be there. But sorry, Priority. So far, I guess I can only say, I think I truly found one.
Sometimes, in life, you may have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but may have a bad family relationship. Life is fair, if life can't give you a good family relationship, they will "make" it up to you by another way. Laws of life (1) Life is fair. (2) What goes around, comes around. I won't exactly say Law of life, more like theory of life. But whatever it is, however terrible/good my life turns out, I know who I can count on for all eternity. Make a guess who...starts with a J----. Reward: A new friend for you too who is really there be it the good times and the bad times =p
I know it may seem frightening to you that a 18 year old speak so maturely. I know, coz if you heard my conversation with my aunties, you would be shocked...Well, she was. Guess she never know I had it =p
Hope my dearest Ah ma will get on well after her op. =)
Was chit-chatting with a few of my aunties and while chatting, I remembered about what I told yung hwui. Life is fair. People always said that life isn't fair, why is it that he got that and I don't have it. Well, have u ever thought about what you have that he don't? Sometimes in life, we got to lose some things to gain some things. Some times, you got to experience somethings to gain some knowledge. Was telling my aunt today, the lesson I learnt from the earlier funeral. I learnt how I used to take things for granted...How I never once really looked at my grandma until she was on her deathbed. How I saw the ugly faces of people who I thought I knew. How I lose a friend but gained one more that is so much better and how fragile life can be.
Sometimes in life, u just never know who are the people who treats you with honesty, who really mean what they said. This time round,my Ah ma is in hospital. I really saw who was really there. I know who is the one who really cares for me. Who message me daily though she don't have to. Was talking to my aunt about some problems that I have. And what she said was true. In life, you can have many friends. But when bad times come, the true ones that stick by your side are the ones you can count on for the rest of your life. Though I'm not really very sociable, I do have some friends. Friends who call me best friend etc. But honestly, I never once believed. They do sound nice, but where the **** are you when I need you? I've got friends, but whether they got me as a friend is a question. True, when time comes, I'll try my best and be there. But sorry, Priority. So far, I guess I can only say, I think I truly found one.
Sometimes, in life, you may have a boyfriend/girlfriend, but may have a bad family relationship. Life is fair, if life can't give you a good family relationship, they will "make" it up to you by another way. Laws of life (1) Life is fair. (2) What goes around, comes around. I won't exactly say Law of life, more like theory of life. But whatever it is, however terrible/good my life turns out, I know who I can count on for all eternity. Make a guess who...starts with a J----. Reward: A new friend for you too who is really there be it the good times and the bad times =p
I know it may seem frightening to you that a 18 year old speak so maturely. I know, coz if you heard my conversation with my aunties, you would be shocked...Well, she was. Guess she never know I had it =p
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Life...
I haven't posted for quite some time. But during this past some time, some things just happened which makes me take a step back and review about life again. During this past some time, I lost my grandma (maternal side). I remember that very faithful day, where I was in school with the usual gang. We were laughing, joking, fooling around at mac. When we were about to leave, I realised that my mum left me 20 missed calls. I was about to call back when my mum call again. She was practically screaming through the phone...My grandma was going to die. My grandma was diagnosed around jan- early feb that she had colon cancer. And it was at the last stage when we found out. I rushed all the way down but of course, she didn't go that day.
I remember coming home, my handphone flooded with messages from ppl like jian hao, yung hwui, charmaine etc, sending me condolences and encouragment. But the one most important friend didn't send me any. Thinking that she don't know, it was only right of me to call her. It was pretty late, I was really down, and back then, the only one I can think of who will understand my situation and lend a listening ear, was sarah. I will never forget the day, I called her 1st handphone more than 5 times, 2nd handphone 5 times. It was pretty late, and I thought she was asleep. I decided to try 1 last time. And it got through. However, she wasn't asleep. She was happily at her friends hse, drinking vodka till she was dead drunk. Apparently whatever I want to tell her, whatever emotions I have inside was replaced with disappointment. She couldn't hear from my voice I needed her desperately... that I needed to cry. She didn't. She was too busy telling me she was drunk, and in turn, I got to tell her to take care of herself etc.
When I hung up, I called another friend of mine. I called Yung hwui. I just cried out to her. But she was there. I told her how disappointed I was, how upset I was. I never expect anything back from sarah for how much I been there for her when she was at her most terrible period. Though at that time, there was nothing I could do, I kept reminding her I was there. But I thought that at least, now, it was my turn, maybe she can give me at least some encouragment. I was disappointed, I really was. Well, I did tell her in the end, but, I no longer expect anything from her. I don't blame her, she was dead drunk. But, I know I can no longer really count on her now.
I, Amanda Wong, seldom cry in front of people. I hardly need people to comfort me. Even after knowing that my grandma was going to die, I can control my tears till I was safe in my own space. But, in life, there will come a time, when u need someone to hear you. When u need someone to hear u just wail it out. Even through the phone.
My grandma is almost gone for 1 month now. I wasn't really close to her. But most of the times, when someone mention things like hospital, my mind will do this rewinding back to the very 1st day we found out till the whole thing was over. In less than 1/2 a year, I lost my grandma. So many "If" just keep running through my mind. If she went to the doctor earlier, will she still be here? If she had chemotherapy, will she still be here? So many "If"
And now, My other grandma...God, please bless her. She's the one I'm really close to. I don't think I can stand the sight of another person leaving me again. 2 in 1 year is too much. I want her to see me get married, and carry her great grandchild. please bless her. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.....
I remember coming home, my handphone flooded with messages from ppl like jian hao, yung hwui, charmaine etc, sending me condolences and encouragment. But the one most important friend didn't send me any. Thinking that she don't know, it was only right of me to call her. It was pretty late, I was really down, and back then, the only one I can think of who will understand my situation and lend a listening ear, was sarah. I will never forget the day, I called her 1st handphone more than 5 times, 2nd handphone 5 times. It was pretty late, and I thought she was asleep. I decided to try 1 last time. And it got through. However, she wasn't asleep. She was happily at her friends hse, drinking vodka till she was dead drunk. Apparently whatever I want to tell her, whatever emotions I have inside was replaced with disappointment. She couldn't hear from my voice I needed her desperately... that I needed to cry. She didn't. She was too busy telling me she was drunk, and in turn, I got to tell her to take care of herself etc.
When I hung up, I called another friend of mine. I called Yung hwui. I just cried out to her. But she was there. I told her how disappointed I was, how upset I was. I never expect anything back from sarah for how much I been there for her when she was at her most terrible period. Though at that time, there was nothing I could do, I kept reminding her I was there. But I thought that at least, now, it was my turn, maybe she can give me at least some encouragment. I was disappointed, I really was. Well, I did tell her in the end, but, I no longer expect anything from her. I don't blame her, she was dead drunk. But, I know I can no longer really count on her now.
I, Amanda Wong, seldom cry in front of people. I hardly need people to comfort me. Even after knowing that my grandma was going to die, I can control my tears till I was safe in my own space. But, in life, there will come a time, when u need someone to hear you. When u need someone to hear u just wail it out. Even through the phone.
My grandma is almost gone for 1 month now. I wasn't really close to her. But most of the times, when someone mention things like hospital, my mind will do this rewinding back to the very 1st day we found out till the whole thing was over. In less than 1/2 a year, I lost my grandma. So many "If" just keep running through my mind. If she went to the doctor earlier, will she still be here? If she had chemotherapy, will she still be here? So many "If"
And now, My other grandma...God, please bless her. She's the one I'm really close to. I don't think I can stand the sight of another person leaving me again. 2 in 1 year is too much. I want her to see me get married, and carry her great grandchild. please bless her. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.....
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